The following is the text of my winning speech in a recent Toastmaster speech contest. The topic was, "Humorous!"
Madam Toastmaster, fellow Toastmasters and welcome guests. Id like to talk to you this evening about my adventures with women. Or I should say, my misadventures with women!
When I was eleven years old, I was in the fifth grade on Long Island, N.Y. and I sat next to a girl named Diane Groller. I didnt talk to her for the whole year. But, at the same time, in fifth grade I was the class clown. I would talk out of turn and say stupid things, jump around, make funny faces - anything to make the class laugh.
So, school ends and I m on summer vacation and one day the phone rings. Its Diane and she says, "Do you love me?" Well, Id never spoken to her. And I wasnt thinking about her. So I said, "Yes! I do!" A week later I went out and bought a ring, inexpensive ring, and called Diane and told her that I had a ring and I wanted to get together and give it to her.
So, we arranged to meet at a lunchenette. For two hours I threw a rubber ball up on an awning, jumped around, said stupid things and made funny faces and left and went home and never gave her the ring.
That relationship never went anywhere!
When I was twelve years old, I had a "girl friend" named Judy Kaufman. At least she was my girl friend according to Hillary Kaye! You see, Hillary was Judys best friend and next door neighbor and "the keeper of the list!" Judy had a list of her top five boy friends and she would update it every week.
So, although I had never spoken to Judy, one week I was her number one boy friend - according to Hillary.
That didnt go anywhere!
When I was twenty three, I was in the U.S. Navy and was stationed at the Submarine Base in New London, Connecticut and I had a girl friend named Kathy Kennedy on Long Island. One weekend I had to talk to Kathy,so I went AWOL. AWOL means absent without leave and in the navy thats a no no!
Anyway, I hitch-hiked down to Long Island and Im in Kathys room, were sitting on the bed talking and Kathy says, "I want you to listen to the lyrics of this song very carefully." And she put on a record by Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind." I listened as Gordon said, "I dont know where we went wrong but the feelins gone and I just cant get it back!"
Not exactly the words I was hoping to hear!
A little later, the phone rang. It was Lt. Showers from the submarine base. He said, "You better get yourself back up to the base, buster!" And I cleaned that up!
So, the next morning I borrowed my fathers car and Kathy and I headed up toward New London. We made it about half way, to New Haven and the engine caught on fire. I sent Kathy home on a train.
That didnt go anywhere!
When I was twenty four, I was living in the great state of Washington, at the Puget Sound-Bremerton Naval Shipyard, and I had a girl friend named "Fat Pauline." Dont ask. Its a speech all by itself!
Anyway, shipmates Phil and Archie and I played in a country & western band called, "The Sons of Sparkling Water" - you may have heard of us!
We took our boat out on sea trials and when we came back we discovered that Fat Pauline and one of her friends had stolen all of our band equipment!
That didnt go anywhere!
Then, when I was twenty nine, I met a girl named Karen Persing on a blind date. A few dates later, I went to her apartment for dinner. And I was surprised. I was amazed. I was shocked. She had furniture!
As a single man, a sailor traveling around the world, I never had furniture! I never had an apartment!
And, she was cooking food and bringing it to me at the table! And her two children, Karry and Buddy, were sitting at the table - like little angles!
I said to myself, "This is the greatest thing since chocolate cake!"
And it was on the basis of this illusion that I proposed to Karen!
She accepted. And, Im happy to say that this one "did go somewhere!" Weve been married for thirty four years, raised four children and have six grandchildren.
And, we are living "happily ever after!"
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