Resolving Conflict Peacefully

Resolving Conflict Peacefully

Resolving Conflict

Nothing kills y?ur sex life and hurts y?ur relationship l?ke fighting. It ?s imperative f?r the health ?nd continuation ?f y?ur relationship t? learn t? resolve conflict peacefully. I ?lway? t?ll my relationship and sexual coaching clients to g? home and rent tw? movies and study them: THE BREAKUP ?nd WAR OF THE ROSES. It i? anoth?r ?x?m?le of art illustrating and imitating life. Now ther? is no ?u?h thing a? a couple who ar? go?ng to agree ?n everything. The key to ? good relationship i? be?ng ?bl? to resolve th?s? differences w?th?ut hurting each oth?r and inflicting damage ?n the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is ?n? ?f th? keys t? having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are ??u combative or collaborative?

Do ??u want t? win the fight or resolve th? problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER! Ask, In wh?t way can we solve thi? problem?

When y?u attack ??ur spouse, th?? tend to w?nt to counter attack wh??h onl? escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and ?t? solution mutual rather th?n ? contest ?nd argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not th? sun go d?wn on ??ur wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible ?? obvious ?nd requires no interpretation. It ?? ? simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason f?r this ?h?uld be obvious. You kn?w when y?u ?nd y?ur spouse ar? fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses ?nd damages the relationship. There ?? ?nother reason: ??ur children sense th? tenseness ?r worse y?t ??e you fighting. It scares th?m and the? have no wa? to resolve it, make ?t b?tt?r ?r the ability to get away fr?m it. This ?? literally torture f?r ??ur children. It upsets their digestion, th??r sleep, and th??r emotional well being. Fighting ?n front ?f children i? nev?r okay. If y?u r??ll? n??d to have ? fight, find ? way to get th? children ??mewhere ?ls? wh?r? they dont witness it.

There ?? ? syndrome called Fight ?r Flight Syndrome. This ?? a coping system in people ?nd animals. Men tend to feel ?t m?r? profoundly b??ause of the testosterone in the?r systems and b??aus? nature g?v?? them a strong protector instinct. What h?pp?ns wh?n you feel stressed and threatened, th? body releases massive amounts of adrenaline ?n your body. The purpose of this adrenaline i? a simple survival mechanism. The idea is th?t you ??n us? the adrenaline t? run ?way from your opponent ?r predator faster than they ??n chase y?u ?nd catch you. The ?th?r option is that ??u hav? s? mu?h adrenaline ?n y?u th?t y?u ar? ?bl? t? successfully fight ?ff an enemy ?r predator. The body ?? designed to be releasing and dissipating th?? adrenaline by ??th?r fighting ?r fleeing ?n a v?r? short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount ?f stress ?n ??u that ?? not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine h?v?ng th? n??d to urinate ?r sneeze and you ??nt do it and ??u ?r? stuck. It i? a miserable feeling. In fact thi? kind ?f unrelieved stress i? ?n? ?f th? main c?u??s ?f heart disease ?nd heart attack. When ??u internalize this stress rather than venting it thr?ugh fighting ?r fleeing, ??u d? ? lot damage t? th? body ?nd th? relationship. Many times violence ??n ensue ??pecially with men. This is wh? th? Bible ?? ?? clear and unequivocal ab?ut resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back th?t notion up:

Therefore ?f ??u bring y?ur gift t? th? altar, ?nd th?r? remember th?t y?ur brother (friend, wife, husband, ?th?r relative) h?? ?n?th?ng again?t you; Leave th?r? y?ur gift b?for? the altar, and go y?ur way; f?r?t be reconciled t? y?ur brother, and th?n ?ome and offer ??ur gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words ?t ?? s? important t? resolve the problem immediately b?c?us? ?f how an argument ??n fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that ??u leave church ?n the middle of th? service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will oft?n say that the? lost their temper. In fact, th?? u??d the?r temper. Couples oft?n us? anger to control ?nd manipulate ???h other, u?uall? one i? stronger th?n the ?th?r ?nd bullies their partner w?th the?r anger. Men because of their superior strength tend t? use that strength t? bully th? wife and som?t?m?s hit th? wife. This i? unhealthy f?r th? relationship and i? inexcusable ac??rd?ng t? th? follow?ng biblical passages:

Likewise y?u husbands, dwell w?th th?m ??cording t? knowledge, giving honor unto th? wife, as unt? th? weaker vessel and as being heirs tog?ther of the grace of life; th?t y?ur prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength ?? a? to u?? it to protect our wives ?nd family, not u?? it ag?in?t her. Men note the message at the end ?f the verse; if y?u misuse y?ur strength ?g?inst ??ur wife, God will n?t answer or heed y?ur prayers. That i? ? powerful warning that is n?t nearly emphasized ?n?ugh ?n churches or Sunday schools today. There i? f?r too mu?h violence against women. I b?liev? th?t th? disrespect and violence ?g?inst women by men i? in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism h?? ?n thi? writers opinion swung ent?rel? too f?r the ?th?r way, one sh?uld not dismiss th? feminist notions as completely with?ut merit. There wer? and are legitimate causes f?r anger on the part ?f women. The Christian response t? s?m? of thes? concerns w?? anoth?r movement called: Promise Keepers. It i? a Christian mens organization who?? principle tenants are th?t w? a? men need to b? bett?r husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here ar? scriptures relating t? anger especially notable to men.

Cease fr?m anger ?nd forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8

A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that i? slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women ??u als? hav? ? responsibility to ke?? ? happy ?nd peaceful home. There ar? numerous commands ?n th? Bible regulating y?ur conduct w?th y?ur spouse as well. The following verse i? representative of tho?e commands.

The contentions ?f a wife ar? lik? a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words lik? ? continual dripping faucet.

We c?n ?ll agree that men sh?uld not physically beat ?n women. Many times ?? ?nd?c?t?d ?n th? ab?v? biblical passages, women dont have a problem beating verbally ?n men. The problem is, n?t only do?? ?t hurt y?ur relationship but i? ver? problematic for the husband f?r a number ?f reasons. By verbally beating ?n th? husband, y?u ?aus? th? fight ?r flight syndrome t? turn on and give? h?m tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goe? on, ?t makes ?t worse f?r the man ?nd he g?t? mor? and mor? stressed to where h? ??n explode and hit the wife. Your children are als? stressed ?n this way. They feel th? stress of that s?m? Fight or Flight Syndrome ?nd th?? ar? powerless t? d? an?th?ng ab?ut it. Continued stress of thi? type c?n c?us? heart disease ?nd heart attack.

So th? Bible ?? pretty explicit th?t hasty anger i? not good for relationships ?nd that anger ne?d? to b? controlled. Anger i? not to b? u??d to beat som??n? w?th ?r to get ?ur own wa? by manipulating ?nd intimidating them. However the Bible doe? n?t s?? th?t you ??nt get angry. You c?n get angry, but y?u hav? to control th? anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So y?u s?? that anger ?? a human emotion, but y?u mu?t control it, n?t us? it as a weapon but express ?t s? a? t? resolve the problem. Often when ? person gets angry, th?? start yelling and raising th??r voice. This i? simply ? ploy t? try ?nd scare som??ne ?r attempt to manipulate someone. This ?s n?t an a?pro?riate u?e or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by b?th men and women. It al?o ?au?es th? Fight ?r Flight Syndrome that w?s previously spoken about. Invariably wh?n ?ne person yells, th?n th? ?ther person responds ?n kind wh?ch simply escalates the argument ?nd get? ?t t? the point wher? people are ?ut of control. Here i? what the Bible says ab?ut that:

A soft answer turns aw?y wrath: but grievous words stir u? anger.

So h?w d? ?ou ke?p peace w?th ?our spouse wh?n ther? ?s anger ov?r ?n issue. The key is t? ke?p emotion out of it. The fir?t rule when your partner ?s angry ?bout s?m?thing i? t? SHUT-UP AND LISTEN. You l?t th?m get ever?th?ng ?ut th?t ?s bothering them. Now th? temptation her? is t? interrupt them and correct th?m ov?r ?n issue that y?u feel like th?y ar? unjustly accusing y?u of. False accusations ar? not th?t abnormal a? people tend to over-reach wh?n th?y ?re angry. You wait until th?y ar? completely d?ne bef?re ?ou tr? and correct them. The key is th?t ?ou want the spouse t? get ?ut all of th?ir frustrations. If ?ou interrupt them, it ?ust makes th?m madder. You kee? quiet unt?l the? ar? done. Once you feel lik? they ?re done, ?ou ask th?m ?f they ?re done. Sometimes, th?y ar? just taking a breath and re-grouping the?r thoughts. If th?y hav? mor? t? say, listen. If it i? a lot, t?ke notes on what th?y are complaining ab?ut s? ?ou dont forget ?r tr? t? interrupt them to tell them ?ou c?nt remember ever?th?ng that they said. Once they assure ?ou that th?y ar? done, then ?ou ask th?m ?f it w?uld be ok?y for y?u t? repeat back th? main points ?f th?ir argument ?o that y?u are sure th?t y?u understand ?nd dont want to forget anything. Usually the? w?ll be tickled t? do that. Once you h?ve re-stated th? case, ?sk th?m if th?s i? ever?th?ng th?t th?y talked about. Once th?y h?ve agreed th?t you have all of th?ir points. You th?n g? t? th? next step. The next step ?s t? a?k them: in what w?y ?an I fix th?s and make it right? There ?s nothing to argue ?bout with thi? point. They will u?uall? h?ve ?n idea on what you can do t? make ?t r?ght and they w?ll t?ll you. You can then go back and correct wh?t ?ou feel l?ke they unfairly accused y?u of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, ?ou simply quietly state th?t y?u disagree with th? point that y?u feel lik? th?y unjustly accused ?ou of. Now if wh?t they ar? a?king for ?s unreasonable, ?ou counter offer ?nd suggest th?t you feel l?ke that wh?t th?y ?re a?king f?r ?s t?o much but you ?re willing t? counter offer a solution. You then ?an begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If ?ou ?an take th? anger ?nd attacks out ?f the argument ?nd make ?t ?bout problem solving, it is mu?h easier t? resolve.

AVOID THE YOU DO IT TOO RESPONSE

You n?ed t? address th? complaint of ?our spouse ?nd deal with ?t responsibly inst??d of trying t? ?a? th?y d? the s?me thing or s?mething el?e similar. Once that th? conflict is resolved t? y?ur mates satisfaction, then ?f y?u h?ve complaints a?k to take ?our turn ?t voicing y?ur complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There ?s ? good wa? t? negotiate. You ?an say: alright ?n a scale of 1-10 h?w d? ?ou rate this? If ?our partner sa?? f?r th?m ?t i? ?n 8 ?nd for ?ou ?t ?s ?nly a 4, ?ou agree t? give them the?r way. Again this i? ?ust ?bout problem solving rather than attacking ?a?h other. You ?an alw??s propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of th? problem, ?ou h?ve to be honest. You ?ant ju?t claim ?t i? a 10 all ?f the time. You h?ve to honestly rate th? severity of th? problem ?s well as the spouse h?s to rate ?t honestly. Make allowances for whoever h?s th? bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There ?re times th?t ??u ar? ?u?t diametrically opposed to the?r proposed solution ?nd th? tw? ?f ??u c?nt reach ?n agreement. You could start beating on e?ch oth?r emotionally or ??u c?uld agree t? disagree. There i? noth?ng wrong w?th that. In th?? way, n? on? i? wrong, y?u ar? both convinced that ??u ar? b?th right but n??ther party w?ll concede. Just agree t? disagree.

FLIPPING A COIN TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM

If negotiating has not worked ?nd th? person ?? st?ll adamant th?t the? want a solution the Bible has a solution: The lot ??uses contentions t? cease and parts th? mighty. Proverbs 18:18.

When g?tt?ng to a solution ?? imperative and ne?th?r side will budge then the onl? peaceful solution ?? t? settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots wa? a dice game, but ? modern day corollary would be a flip of th? coin t? settle th? issue. You b?th hav? to agree ?nd stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed ar? th? peacemakers for they sh?ll b? called th? children of God. Mathew 5:9 Due t? the sinful nature ?f man, we hav? a natural predilection to fight am?ng ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society ?t large ?nd families ?n particular. Will y?u endeavor t? be a peacemaker ?n ??ur own home? And ? furth?r biblical note:

If it b? possible, as much a? lies ?n you, live peaceably w?th all men. Romans 12:18 You cant make any?ne d? right, but you ??n control h?w ??u react and wh?t y?u put ?nt? the relationship. Are ??u do?ng ?v?rything that you can ?n your relationship t? live peaceably w?th y?ur spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WONT STOP YELLING

If y?u ?r? faced w?th ? partner th?t yells and gets verbally abusive and wont be calmed down ?nd this i? habitual, y?u hav? t? make a change. You ??nt force the person t? behave appropriately. What y?u c?n d? i? to remove y?ur??lf form th? situation. You simply go g?t your keys and g?t in th? car and leave for sev?ral hours. Dont answer your cell phone ?r texts fr?m th? person demanding that y?u c?m? back. After s?v?r?l hours, y?u c?me back home and tell the person th?t y?u will talk if th?? ?r? will?ng t? talk to ??u w?th?ut verbally abusing y?u and yelling ?t you. If the? start ?n again, y?u simply leave ag?in and stay overnight s?m?where ?f necessary. It is n?t lik?l? that you will hav? to do thi? mor? than 3 times ?nd th? person w?ll realize that you ar? n? longer g??ng to put u? with the abuse. If ??u dont take ? stand ?nd make ?t stick, the abusive person w?ll continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments f?r Fair Fighting

1.Never argue in front ?f th? children, it harms ?nd scares them.

2.Dont ?v?r hit y?ur spouse.

3.Dont call y?ur spouse names or us? insulting or demeaning language to them, ?t i? abusive.

4.Dont attempt to g?t ??ur w?? by bullying ??ur spouse.

5.Dont withhold sex to g?t ??ur way.

6.Do not scream ?t y?ur spouse.

7.Do n?t interrupt, it i? disrespectful, listen until the? ar? done.

8.Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.

9.Develop a peacemaking attitude w?th questions like: How c?n we resolve this?

10. Dont give people the silent treatment. It ?? revenge and ?t is emotionally abusive.

I hav? re-written an old nursery rhyme t? ? more ?ppro?ri?te meaning:

Sticks and stones c?n only break y?ur bones, but words c?n wound ? spirit, break a heart ?r kill a relationship.

When y?u ??nt resolve the problems betw??n th? tw? ?f you then seek out the services ?f a mediator, ?r ? relationship coach.

Or ju?t email me ?t



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