How To Save A Marriage By Paul Friedman

How To Save A Marriage By Paul Friedman

After I fir?t developed my system f?r helping married couples I put an ad in th? local paper th?t said, I can save y?ur marriage. I g?t a tremendous response and began meeting w?th tw? ?r thre? couples a day. Most ?f the couples I was ??eing were coming to me becau?? they had tr??d ?v?ryth?ng else. Even th?ugh I d?d not hav? th? normal credentials, meaning I am n?t ? psychologist, the? were desperate. My sessions were 2 hours long becau?? I remembered well wh?n my wife and I went to ? marriage counselor ?nd spent l??? than an hour w?th th?m I alw??s left thinking ther? wa? wa? t?? much left unsaid. In retrospect, h?d w? stayed longer we would h?v? realized we werent gett?ng ?n? help. So I wanted to make sur? people wh? cam? t? me were g?tt?ng what th?? w?r? paying for. I made ?t clear th?t for an? reason the? thought reasonable th?? would n?t h?v? to pay me. In tw? years there w?? ?nl? ?n? man who chose not to pay me. But h? w?? n?t sincere fr?m the beginning and was ?nl? try?ng t? appease h?? wife wh? h? knew he w?? going t? leave anyway. She had cheated on him and h?? cultural upbringing ??uld n?v?r g?t past th? humiliation he felt. Other than that one couple, ever??ne I worked w?th knew wh?t t? d? t? save the?r own marriage.



No ?n? ??n save ??ur marriage for you; y?u h?v? to do ?t yourself. But wh?t ? m??n statement th?t w?uld be if ??u d?d n?t kn?w how! Within 20 minutes ?f ?ur meeting every single couple wa? back on track. Im not ?aying the? wer? th?r? aft?r 20 minutes! But th?? had agreed t? leave the past behind, a past th?t was muddled with all sorts of improper behaviors. They agreed to train themselves ac?ord?ng t? how youre supposed t? behave in a marriage. It isnt th?t hard. In fact, ?ts downright simple. I didnt ?ay easy b?caus? retraining yourself, ?s?ec?ally after m?ny years, ?s n?t ?lw??s the easiest thing to do… But th? effort ?f retraining your?elf ?s almost n?thing compared to the pain of continuing ?n ?n ? painful marriage, ?r the greater pain ?f g?tting a divorce.

There was a time wh?n people thought th? world was flat. If ?ou were foolish ?nough to explain th? math that describes the earth ?? ? globe you m?ght have b?en put ?nto prison. Fortunately thes? days people dont n?rmally put ?ou ?nto prison for h?ving radical new ideas. So I was fairly safe when I introduced the idea th?t a happy marriage ?? much m?re normal th?n ? bad marriage. Normal meaning natural; Im not sa?ing th?t m?st people ?re ?urr?ntly enjoying ? happy marriage. But ?t ?s normal to h?ve ? happy marriage ?s long ?s youre f?llowing wh?t I would call the physics of marriage. There ?re natural laws f?r everything. If ?ou walk t? th? edge ?f a cliff and t?k? one more step you w?ll experience the natural law ?f gravity. If ?ou walk u? t? ?our spouse ?nd tell th?m th?y ?re stupid ?ou w?ll experience the natural law of ? negative response f?r ? negative comment.

The f?r?t step ?n saving a marriage is learning ?bout th? pitfalls, th? behaviors that destroy most marriages. The n?xt step is learning how ? marriage ?s constructed, wh?t a marriage ??tu?lly ?s ?nd consists of ?nd what ?t ?s meant t? do. Like anything else, ?f you learn m?re than ?ust th? surface rules ?ou w?ll b? far b?tt?r off. In marriage ?ts ?x?ctly the same. Not ?nly d? ??u need to know h?w to communicate (just ?s ?n exam?le – communication ?? n?t th? ?nly problem with troubled marriages) properly but you ?l?o n??d t? kn?w wh? and wh?t proper marital communication is, wh? proper communication ?? important, ?nd which communication t? u?e ?n the v?r?ous situations th?t arise..

It ?? almost ??rt?in ?our marriage ??n be saved. I h?v? met w?th people who w?r? literally g?ing to th? court to get ? divorce on Friday, two days ?ft?r se??ng me, but w?r? v?r? happily married by Monday. It ?s absolutely amazing! But I u?e the analogy of tr?ing t? pound a nail in w?th a screwdriver ?nd th?n being handed ? hammer. My point is not h?w amazing it ?? th?t their marriage w?s saved. My point is ?t w?uld b? amazing if th??r marriage w?? n?t saved on?e th?y knew wh?t th?y w?re supposed to do.

Dont give up! Ive s?en w?? t?o m?ny people succeed. I kn?w where th? great risks ?r? ?n which few couples ?r?b?bl? wont succeed. But Im not g??ng to tell ??u b??au?e ?v?n ?ut of that group th?r? have b?en successes. I ?ant read anyones mind ?nd I dont know th? deep dark secrets w?th?n ??ch ones soul, ?? t? point ?ut the odds of th? very, very small groups ?f people who dont make ?t would be crazy on m? part because it would discourage you. But know this: th? chances of ?ou b?ing ?n that group ?r? v?r? small. The percentage ?f couples I couldnt help with the manual w?s l?s? th?n 2%. So hang ?n there, understand th?t th?r? ?? hope ?nd t?ll th? person ??u ?r? married to, I love you.

from How to Get Your Ex Back - Make Ex Want You Back http://ift.tt/1FYFJgw

Read More..

Steps on How to Save a Relationship

Jim works long hours and Lisbet doesn’t feel he is there for her. Lisbet spends all of her time meeting the children’s needs and Jim feels that she doesn’t have time for his needs? Can this relationship be saved? Should it be saved? Here’s how to save a relationship.

Image via Wikipedia

First, you must decide whether the relationship is worth saving. While almost every relationship can be saved with hard work, both parties must decide that they want to make it work. Because if a partner has opted out and doesn’t want to opt back in, there is little that can be done.

Many people stay in a relationship because it is convenient or remain in a marriage because of the children. But that is not enough. How to save a relationship starts with a commitment by both parties that the relationship is worth saving.

Next, you must pinpoint the problem or problems in a relationship. One of the biggest problems in how to save a relationship is that people believe the symptoms of the problem are the problem itself.

For instance, many people think an affair is a problem that causes break ups. In truth, the affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. For instance, a lack of true intimacy can lead to a straying spouse. While most people look at the affair as the problem, the underlying cause of the affair was the lack of intimacy in the primary relationship. If you do not deal with the lack of intimacy, you might be able to keep another affair from starting through the use of guilt, but another problem (for instance pornography) could pop up because you haven’t dealt with the core issue.

When you start to deal with core issues rather than symptoms, you can save the relationship.

Once you have identified the core problems, you can begin to share your thoughts. This means both verbalizing your own feelings and listening to your partner’s concerns. Hold your partner’s had when you are talking about your problems as a signal that you want to reconnect even when your emotions are swirling. When your partner talks about things that hurt you remember that he or she is not doing it because he or she wants to hurt you. Rather it is because they want to improve the relationship.

Once you have detailed the problems in your relationship, create an action plan to solve them. Then, take concrete steps on your action plan. If you don’t spend time together like you used to, plan a date night every week. Take turns coming up with creative ways to spend an evening together each Wednesday. If not communicating is the problem, commit to spending 20 minutes before going to bed just talking to one another. And, then do it.

Finally, you should realize that saving a relationship is an ongoing process. You are going to take two steps forward only to take one step back. There is going to be both laughter and tears going forward. Be quick to apologize and slow to blame.

Is your relationship worth saving? Feel free to leave your comments below ..

Read More..

Get Your Partner To Agree To Relationship Counseling

Relationship counseling is often a last resort for couples on the brink of the divorce. But some couples try counseling early on when the first problems rear their heads. Counseling is certainly something that a couple shouldn’t be afraid to try, even if the problems are relatively minor. Often, catching small problems early with counseling can prevent bigger problems down the road. Early counseling can even something prevent a future divorce.

Today’s couples seem more eager to try to new things, which makes counseling a good option. Couples married years ago seem less likely to go for counseling or try new approaches, perhaps because it wasn’t something commonly done when they were younger. Very often marriages of 30 or 40 years now end in divorce, which is a shame because they’ll never know if relationship counseling could have helped save the marriage.




If you feel like you need relationship counseling, be sure to as your partner to go to counseling with you in a non-judgmental way. If you ask him or her to go to counseling in such a way as it seems like you are accusing them of being the problem and needing counseling, you’re likely to encounter resistance to the idea. Try to make it clear that you want the counseling for yourself if nothing else.

If you ask your partner to go to counseling because you have some issues you need to work on, they’re more likely to view the idea favorably. Explain that you think you need some help to be able to contribute more to the relationship, and to learn how to be a better partner or spouse. Don’t accuse the other person of need counseling. Even if you believe that they are most of the problem, don’t say so. Once you’re in relationship counseling, they will learn tips and techniques for being better within the relationship, just as you will.

Don’t be afraid to suggest relationship counseling, whether you’ve been in the relationship for 3 months, 3 years or two decades. It’s never too late to try counseling to resolve problems. And it’s never too late to try to keep small problems from becoming big ones. If the relationship is relatively new, you might think that you’re admitting to problems and admitting that the relationship is rocky by suggesting counseling. But that’s not true. But facing any obstacles now, you’re making the relationship stronger in the long run.

If your partner believes that your suggestion of relationship counseling means that the relationship isn’t perfect, and maybe even is doomed, calmly explain that that isn’t true. Just because you’re willing to admit that everything is perfect shows that you’re willing to make necessary changes to keep the other person and yourself happy.

If your partner refuses, go on your own. While the counseling would work best if both of you go, you can go and work on things to improve yourself. If your partner sees you going to relationship counseling, they’re more likely to give it a try.

Read More..

Help save my marriage from failing

How to save marriage from failing after a disastrous ad catastrophic event has taken place may seem like a hard thing to do, but it can be done. There are many times when something horrible has happened in the life of a couple that the stress ends up being too much to bear. These are times it is important to know how to save marriage.

The need to know how to save marriage can come as a result of something in the marriage or relationship falling apart as the two struggle to deal with what has happened. Many times it happens after the death of a loved one or especially a child. Sometimes it will happen after a wreck. Maybe it was because of some natural disaster or an act of hatred by some unknown entity. It could be because of illness to one of you or anything else that happened that caused your world to fall apart.

There are some very important things that are how to save marriage from ending you need to know. You need to understand that people act and react differently to events. The most obvious is the differences between how men and women typically deal with things. Some people repress feelings while others are more outward and more obvious in their grieving. Understanding this and accepting it will help go a long way in knowing how to save marriage. Dont expect your loved one to react the same way that you do.

Another thing that you need to know is that grief many times rings out the worse in people and negative traits are often exaggerated. Patience is needed in understanding why some very negative changes take place in their personalities. You have to be able to see those changes taking place in yourself. Dont excuse the behavior and dont let harmful behaviors ruin things more but understand what is happening.

In both of the above marriage counseling is needed. Marriage counselors will usually be very adept at helping couples struggling through these times. Whether it is a Christian marriage or any other, there are places and people you can go to that will help you and the one you love get through this.

Here are some suggestions for other things that will help you get through this time:

~ Commit to each other that you are going to get through this together. Be a team fully supporting each other and understanding each other. When one is particularly weak at one point, be there. Find for them and help shoulder the load. Ask that the same be done for you.

~ Grow your support team. Find close friends and family that will help you through this. There is no reason that the two of you should go through this around. Find a network or a group of people who have gone through similar things. There is strength in numbers.

~ Find a reason to laugh again. Watch a silly sitcom on TV or some stupid funny movie. Watch one of those funny home movie shows for some good laughs. Spend time with fun loving people who you have a good time with Laughing will make you feel better and gives you a break from the weight you carry.

When you have suffered greatly, it doesnt mean that the marriage has to come to an end. It can be made stronger if you are serious about finding how to save marriage.

Read More..