Is Too Much Honesty Hurting Your Relationship

As much as we value honesty in all relationships, there are times when too much honesty can cause its own set of problems. Now Im not advocating deliberately withholding information in your relationship, but depending on the timing and circumstance there are times when "complete" honesty is overrated. Of course one persons version of how much honesty they need in their relationship does not always match up with their partners honesty requirements, but there are still certain guidelines that can help you decide what information needs to be revealed and when it needs to be revealed.

Too Much, Too Soon- Most people have things about themselves that are very personal that are difficult to share with others. These are the kind of topics that need to be shared slowly as your relationship progresses from casual to serious. During the "getting to know you stage" these things should never be shared because they are likely to overwhelm the person that is trying to get to know the basics about you and you will feel embarrassed about revealing these things if this revelation does drive the other person away. For example, if you were abused in your past, this is important for your partner to know as your relationship becomes serious. Even though its an important part of your life, it is not something that a person that you are recently dating needs to know. You need to get past learning whether you have similar personalities and likes and dislikes before you delve into the big issues.

Think before you spew your opinion- Everyone has an opinion, but sometimes expressing them is potentially hurtful. For example, if you point out that hes wearing his ratty old shirt again or that he loaded the dishwasher incorrectly, or he points out that he liked your hair better before you got it cut, then you probably didnt ask yourself what the effect of saying this would be. If the opinion that you are about to express is not one that will be received with happiness by your partner, then you should keep it to yourself until you find a way of expressing it that does not sound like criticism. Thinking before you spew out a negative opinion will save you numerous arguments, because most times when we blurt out an opinion that is really a criticism we are met with a criticism in return, and an argument is not far behind.

Dont Ask and Your Partner Wont Have to Tell- There are certain "loaded questions" that you should never ask in your relationship unless you are a glutton for punishment. Questions that fall into this category are ones like: "Am I prettier than your ex-girlfriend?" "Do you love me more than you loved him?" and the infamous "Does this make me look fat?" All these questions have only one "right answer" and even then, your partner will need to carefully craft an answer to avoid saying the wrong thing. Unless you are trying to deliberately assess your partners ability to tap dance around delicate issues, no good can come from asking these questions.

So yes, honesty is vital to any relationship, but so is knowing when to keep quiet. Knowing the proper timing to reveal sensitive information about yourself and making sure that your "honesty" is not just criticism are two important considerations before you proceed with what you are about to share. And of course, sometimes the best way to avoid the topics that are irrelevant and potentially hurtful to your relationship is to be proactive by not asking any of the questions that you dont really want answered.

Tina Tobin is a writer, blogger and creator of the womens relationship advice site LuvEmOrLeavem.com where all advice is centered around the question "Should she love him or leave him?"

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Mixed Messages in a Marriage Crisis Hurt and Confusion

Misunderstandings are common in marriage. One partner misinterprets the message that was intended. Typically these messages can easily be clarified by reflecting your confusion. Miscommunication is even more likely during a marital crisis. Mixed messages are a common source of miscommunication and can be more difficult to clarify.

Mixed messages result from your mate giving messages that conflict. For instance, your spouse expresses concern for your well-being then says something hurtful. You are drawn to the warmth and then are stung by the coldness in your mates voice. Like a purring cat that suddenly bites your hand, you become distrustful of your partners messages.

Mixed messages often occur because what is said does not match with how it is said. For instance, your partner has a sad facial expression but denies anything is wrong. Another example is a wife who has spent much less time at home, but says, "Im not avoiding you." You receive a message through your partners expression that conflicts with what you are told.

The question, "Do you love me?" is answered (in a flat-toned voice), "You know I love you." The words are words of love; but are they? The voice has no expression of love. Your spouse may proclaim love but there is no affection accompanying the words. You are kissed only when you ask for a kiss. The kiss communicates love, but the stiffness in your partners body communicates distance.

You try to clarify the message to determine which message is correct. This yields little clarification and more mixed messages. When you confront the inconsistencies in your mates messages, you are told that you are wrong or you are avoided.

The most hurtful mixed messages are those that define the relationship. These are painful because you need to understand the status of the relationship. The most common mixed message a distancing spouse gives is "I love you but Im not in love with you." Since "love" and "not in love" are opposing feelings, the message is unclear. You are left thinking, "What does this mean?" "I love you" sounds positive but "Im not in love with you" sounds negative. It is apparent that there is something missing but what is it? Is there any hope embedded in the message? You feel confused and want more information, information that is not available.

Mixed messages can serve to indirectly express rejection, as though a mixed message will be less hurtful. That is one reason that clarification is unsuccessful. To clarify the position would force your partner to accept responsibility for distancing from you. However the most common reason for mixed messages is that your spouse wants distance but has not made a decision regarding whether or not to remain committed to the marriage. The mixed messages reflect the mixed feelings that lie within.

Mixed messages from your spouse are not difficult to interpret because you have failed to clarify the message. The mixed messages are difficult to understand because your spouse is in a state of inner turmoil. Naturally you are biased and want to believe any positive message that contains hope that the relationship may survive this crisis. You also want to ignore the rejection, hoping it is temporary. If you listen to the message, you will learn more about the inner turmoil of your spouse than about the relationship. You cannot get an accurate picture of your spouses view of the relationship until your spouse gains internal clarity.

Stop spending needless time clarifying your partners message(s).
Reflect acceptance that your partner is unclear about his or her feelings, thus offers unclear messages.
Detach from over analyzing everything your partner says, you will know where you stand when your partner has made that decision for him or herself.
Put your energy into self-care. Socialize with those who care about you. Nourish your body, mind, and spirit.

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